


No learning curve could ever bend us too far out of shape

by yoonseh



Series: Learning Curve [2]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: M/M, The second part, but ahhhhhh, but its ok i fixed it, first anniversary fluff, im so proud i actually finished this, like angstttttttttt, so this has some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 12:33:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17183069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonseh/pseuds/yoonseh
Summary: Part 2 of Learning CurveWhen the night sky looked like it was blooming patches of stars and the darkness seemed to stretch on for an infinity, it was then that they found each other, again and again.___________________________________________________________________________Byeongkwan can feel the chill in his bones, the weariness the winter wind brings to his soul. He’s already so tired and ready for the day to be over but can’t seem to let himself rest. The cold seeping into him, making him feel rigged and stiff.





	No learning curve could ever bend us too far out of shape

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is the second part of Learning Curve. This centers around their first anniversary and a couple of moments of struggle before they got there. Please enjoy!
> 
> Song recommendation: meteorites, same sea, and follow you down all by Lights

Learning Curve

No learning curve could ever bend us too far out of shape

 

When the night sky looked like it was blooming patches of stars and the darkness seemed to stretch on for an infinity, it was then that they found each other, again and again. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Byeongkwan can feel the chill in his bones, the weariness the winter wind brings to his soul. He’s already so tired and ready for the day to be over but can’t seem to let himself rest. The cold seeping into him, making him feel rigged and stiff. 

He was standing outside their dorm, the front yard his landing spot after needing to get out of the dorm for a minute. The rest of the members were unpacking, all of them just getting back from their first world tour. 

It was a time of firsts and shining lights and Byeongkwan will be thankful of it for the rest of his life, but his heart also ached for the lost time. Today was a special date that was overrun with flights and managers and crowds of people that he wanted to give a real smile too, but could only throw out a fake half way there twitch of his mouth. 

Byeongkwan stepped out into the cold hoping that it would help him think but it only freezes him and makes him sad for the lost day. It’s so late that he knows there is no time for anything special to happen, for him and Sehyoon to find themselves in a whirlwind of romantic gestures on this day. 

It’s their first anniversary and Byeongkwan can’t help but feel like he’s been robbed, of course he appreciates everything he’s gotten but he just wanted one day. It’s not Sehyoon’s fault that they had to schedule their flight home on this exact day. He knows Sehyoon even tried to get their managers to schedule the flight for early in the morning the next day. 

He was unsuccessful and apologized to Byeongkwan all night before their flight, but the younger male just kissed him softly and asked him to hold him. He couldn’t be mad at his partner, he had tried, but luck was just not on their side. 

They were both so torn up that they couldn’t make this day special for each other, all they could do was secretly hold hands on the plane under a blanket procured for them by the other members. Donghun and Junhee had looked at them with understanding expressions all day, while Yuchan had tried to cheer them up. 

The other members knew full well what it was like to miss anniversaries and having to hide special moments, Junhee and Donghun having been dating for a few years and Yuchan having been part of their adoring relationship for a little over a year. 

They all knew the sacrifices they had to make, but Byeongkwan had hoped with everything that he had that they would get one day, just one to feel like they could be normal. Sehyoon had stayed by him all day through breakfast, the airport, the flight and the ride home. Not wanting to leave his side, knowing how upset he was. 

When they had stepped out of the car and walked towards the dorm, Sehyoon had wrapped a hand around Byeongkwan’s shoulder and pulled him to his side. The minute they got in the door the older man had wrapped him up in a crushing hug. Their luggage forgotten on the floor, the other members leaving them in their moment. 

They had stayed in the entryway of their dorm for minutes just holding onto each other, it was late, few hours to midnight late and Byeongkwan knew that the time had passed. So, he held onto Sehyoon and let out a few stray tears, releasing tension into the man in his arms. 

Sehyoon held him up, cradled the back of his head, whispered I love you in his ear and didn’t let him go even when they moved to go to their room. 

Byeongkwan had rolled his suitcase into his room, exited it and promptly walked out the front door to go stand and watch the snow. He heard Sehyoon call his name, but when he looked back the man hadn’t followed. God, he loved that man. Sehyoon knew he needed some time, could sense that he needed to be alone. 

He had felt the urge Sehyoon felt to follow him, could feel the pull to turn around back to him, but Byeongkwan didn’t want to completely burden him. He knew that Sehyoon was just as upset as he was, but the older was always better at masking it. 

Byeongkwan knew Sehyoon and he knew that he wouldn’t break with Byeongkwan on the verge of a mental meltdown, so he gave him some space, they both needed it. When he walked out he realized some very important things, his head spinning. 

The night was almost exact to the night they first kissed, the snow falling slowly and light to the ground, covering up any traces of life underneath. 

Byeongkwan remembers that night with a smile and a skip of his heart, remembers not feeling the cold because of the warmth Sehyoon was putting off. He remembers how romantic it felt to kiss him in the snow, the dark night lit up with stars. 

He thought that maybe going outside would help him to treasure what he had, remembering the way the cold felt that night. Or like Sehyoon it would help him think, relax, lose himself for a bit, but no....

He doesn’t feel the same way about the cold that Sehyoon does, he has heard the older man wax poetic enough about the contradictions of it enough for it to stick. He just doesn’t hold the same beliefs. 

Where Sehyoon sees winter as a place to think and start fresh, it’s a time for Byeongkwan to curl up as close to a fire as possible piled with so many blankets you would think he would become kindling for the flames. 

Even now he was wrapped up in gloves and thick socks and so many layers he looked like a marshmallow. Sehyoon had laughed when he had piled everything on when they landed in South Korea, pulled him close and warmed him up with hands and the heat in his dark eyes. 

Of course he loved the snow and fresh air and the sparkling sky but he also liked the smell of fresh flowers over ice. He enjoyed feeling the sun beat down on him as he laid down in freshly cut grass. 

He swore that he was a wood nymph or some mythical creature in a past life, the ones that grew from sunbeams and moss on trees. Peaking out their tiny bodies for only a spring breeze and sweltering heat. 

Where most people would compare him to a cat stretching toward the sun, Sehyoon would go on about how he was spring blooms soaking up strength from the heat of the day. He strived in spring, when the colors were bright and everything was coming to life. 

He didn’t hate winter, but fucking cold spikes of ice falling to the ground did not inspire much in him. Not the way it did in Sehyoon, but he understand their difference. Sehyoon enjoyed the quiet and things that sat still. Byeongkwan liked the noise that spring brought in, the buzzing and croaking and brushing of wings in the wind. 

He enjoyed the movement and the swirling of wind that brought dandelions and wishes that floated to the clouds. Loved being able to set up the tea lights in the backyard and sit on their patio and eat dinner. Getting the other members to sing along to the cicadas, while Junhee strummed on his guitar. 

He didn’t hate the cold only because of what it brought him, the man inside their dorm who was probably sitting in worry about Byeongkwan standing in the cold. Not coming outside only because he knew he needed the space. 

Byeongkwan loved spring and summer and wished that they would come rolling in but they also brought in memories he wished didn’t stick like glue in his mind. Winter equaled a remarkable slow dance in a flurry of snow but summer brought in crushing loneliness. He hated the ruin that his favorite seasons had brought to him, realizing the contradictions that they held the way they did for Sehyoon and winter. 

The cold hurt his skin, surface level biting pin pricks but summer, oh summer brought in aches right into the meat of his body. Under flesh and muscle, from the sadness of this night he remembered the worst of summer. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Byeongkwan and Sehyoon knew it wouldn’t last, their high of being together would crash and they would be left to pick up the pieces. They just hoped that they would fit back together when the time came, that they wouldn’t be too bent out of shape. 

They lasted almost 6 months before the cracks started to show. They put up with management telling them to back off, to not seem so eager. They pushed pass not being able to do anything remotely suspicious in public, even now holding hands held more meaning. 

They weren’t told to stop being who they were to the fans, no one would figure it out, but on sets and around others they had to be careful. They were told now it was too easy to tell, no guessing game anymore. 

They were preparing for their comeback when things started to get too hard, well they were already hard, they just started to let it show. Practices got longer, Yuchan was promoting with UNB and they weren’t a full team. Junhee and Donghun were missing ⅓ of their relationship and it just wasn’t the same without all of them. 

They could feel the gap that their maknae left and even when he was there it still wasn’t the same. Some people might have thought this wouldn’t affect Sehyoon and Byeongkwan’s relationship, but the pressure and stress from all sides just made them more susceptible to the pain it caused. 

There were nights were they held each other so close and tight, Byeongkwan was sure they would melt into each other. They could feel the doubts and worry start to seep in, how they would only be close when they were completely alone or when it was deemed appropriate by management. 

Their freedom had always been measured but now, when they were on the cusp of coming back, it had disappeared. They were paired for every little thing they did, normally this was a treasure for them, but it got suffocating. It just made them realize how fake aspects of them had to be.  
[Don’t look in love, at least not for real. Don’t hold each other so close, leave a little bit of room. You’re a great pair but we want it to be less romantic and more friendly. I feel tension, are you two not close?] 

Byeongkwan and Sehyoon had heard so many different questions about their relationship, people hinting at the tension, feeling the awkwardness. Not that they were awkward around each other but sensing the feeling that they were stepping in a space built out of intimacy. 

It would cause a wedge between them, they would scoot farther apart, loosen their grip on shoulders and generally just be less them. Trying not to look at each other too much or too long, trying to keep their wandering hands in friendly places. 

It was tiring and a strain and one day they bent so far that they both feared they wouldn’t come back from it. They needed a break, they were told to take a break. Forced apart and not allowed to promote together unless it was with the whole group for two weeks. 

It crushed them and Byeongkwan felt his strength wither without Sehyoon constantly by his side. It’s not like he didn’t have his own strength but his partner radiated it. People thought Byeongkwan charged Sehyoon and gave him energy, well Sehyoon made sure Byeongkwan’s legs didn’t give out when he felt his heart start to beat too fast. 

It was a week into their “we can’t pair you two up 24/7 anymore” lockdown when Byeongkwan had a mental breakdown and couldn’t handle the pressure. Keeping up with everything was exhausting and he needed to be done, he thought the only way was to be done with it all. 

He started to push himself away from Sehyoon, even in private moments. He touched him less, smiled at him less and did his best to keep talking at a minimum. He didn’t want to hurt Sehyoon but everytime he pulled away he could see the flash of pain in the older’s eyes. 

Before the lockdown of Sehyoon and Byeongkwan they would talk about everything. Anytime they had problems they would go to each other. Byeongkwan remembers one night where Sehyoon came to him after staying up late working on producing. 

He had come into their shared room and sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh, didn’t look up at Byeongkwan, just put his face in his hands. Byeongkwan could see him shaking and hurried over to him from where he was sitting at their desk. 

He kneeled down on the ground to try and get a glimpse at Sehyoon’s eyes, but the older man had covered every part from Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan had spoke gently “Yoonie, baby, what’s wrong. You know you can tell me anything.” he placed his hands around Sehyoon’s wrists, not pulling, just giving his strength to him. 

“Honey, look at me. Whatever it is, we can fix it.” Byeongkwan felt desperate, Sehyoon was not one to cry, at least not what seemed out of nowhere. He was scared that Sehyoon was giving up on them, three months in and they had failed, Byeongkwan had failed. 

Finally, Sehyoon removed his hands and looked at Byeongkwan. His eyes were red and the tear streaks down his face made him seem more human than ever. Byeongkwan, softly, wiped away what he could of the tears. Sehyoon gently grabbing one of his wrists and bringing it to rest on his cheek, turning his head to place a kiss on his palm. 

“I just had a bad night, i’m exhausted from figuring out new versus and I miss you.” Sehyoon sighed into Byeongkwan’s space. They had been so busy lately, barely getting to spend time with each other. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Kwan, I’m sorry.” Sehyoon placed his forehead against Byeongkwan’s, relaxing into the weight. 

“Don’t apologize, all you need to do is talk to me. We promised we wouldn’t hide any feelings.” Byeongkwan looked into Sehyoon’s eyes and saw how open the other man was, all his emotions laid bare. No one got to see this much of Sehyoon besides him, it was something he held onto so hard. 

“I just don’t know how long we can survive with all the pressure that’s been put on us. I don’t want to worry about our relationship in all of this. I want us to be steady and safe.” Sehyoon rambled looking into Byeongkwan’s eyes, steady in his words. 

Byeongkwan breathed out, eyes pricking with tears. “We will survive this. Never worry about us, we’ll always come back, they can’t break us.” Byeongkwan had known this with all of him, it was the foundation he built around them. 

He was so steadfast in his belief that when it all fell apart it was almost laughable, he was the one who broke them. The summer heat burning into their skin nothing compared to what it felt like burning up on the inside when he told Sehyoon that he couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t do them anymore. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Anytime that Byeongkwan is hot, either from the sun or with worry, he feels that night crawling back under his skin. It is the worst thing that he’s ever done and in the end he will never forgive himself for the pain that he put Sehyoon through.

It was a week of torture for everyone involved and hell had nothing on the pain that was set into both Sehyoon and Byeongkwan’s bodies. He tore them apart, thankfully they put themselves back together, but he had ripped them like tissue paper. 

The cold of winter had nothing on the sweltering heat of summer. Winter brought in soft kisses and love, summer brought in Byeongkwan with a sledgehammer to both their hearts. 

God, he loved the summer, but it was cruel, melting people down to their bare truths and insecurities. Making them do things that were so stupid they could only be excused by blaming a bright burning star. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Byeongkwan was hot from the sun and hot from the worry. He was blistering and peeling and didn’t know any amount of aloe vera could heal the way he was feeling. He wanted to crawl out of his skin, wanted the chill of winter back in his bones. 

Everything had come to a head after the filming of their music video, they had a week before it was released and it was the worst week of everyone’s life. 

After they had finished they slowly made their way back to the dorms, their driver blasting the air conditioning. They walked into the dorms, like in a trance, exhausted from working for two days straight on a bright and happy concept. Summer wrapped up in love and bright colors and smiling faces. They felt the opposite of the comeback, dragging and drained. 

They could all sense that something was about to break, but Junhee and Donghun, while knowing most of the struggle, didn’t see the explosion coming.

Shooting the music video had been great until Byeongkwan and Sehyoon had been separated after every scene was shot. Everytime they finished doing a shot together, they were pulled apart to opposite ends. Never getting a minute to actually talk or touch or really be in each other’s presence for two days straight. 

Their managers were trying to keep them on a certain path and Donghun and Junhee could see it wearing thin on both of the boys. Byeongkwan was a good actor though and kept up the smiling face all the way until the last cut, then he had stormed into the dressing room and got changed so fast the others hadn’t even gotten to the door. 

Junhee, being their leader, had cornered him and without fanfare had asked him what the fuck was going through his head. He had said to Junhee, straightfaced, “I can’t handle it anymore. Not being out and then even when we can be together being forced apart.” Byeongkwan had slammed his back into the wall, frustrated with how everything was panning out. 

“I can’t do this, Jun, I can’t....” He had started to breathe hard and fast enough that Junhee pulled him into a hug. He rubbed his back and told him it was going to be okay, they would work it out, just needed to get back to the dorms. 

When he let go of Byeongkwan he noticed the tears and then noticed Byeongkwan’s eyes widen, seeing something behind him. When Junhee turned around Sehyoon was there, staring, starting to move toward Byeongkwan. 

Byeongkwan looked scared, not of Sehyoon, but of whatever conversation would need to happen. He had ran and hightailed it to their manager to wait out the others. 

Sehyoon didn’t go after him, maybe that had been the mistake. 

At the dorm, Byeongkwan had gone straight for their room and Sehyoon followed diligently, following Byeongkwan’s lead. They could read each other, almost to the point where it was too much, and Sehyoon could sense that something dormant was about to erupt. 

Byeongkwan was pacing around the room when Sehyoon clicked the door shut. He knew that Donghun and Junhee would give them the time they needed, knew Yuchan would be at the dorms soon, having been able to meet up with them at their shoot. He would be allowed to stay the weekend with them. This would be crucial for both Byeongkwan and Sehyoon. 

Sehyoon fell back against the door and waited Byeongkwan out, the way he always did, knowing Byeongkwan needed to talk first. He placed his hands on the door frame, doing his best to calm his shaking legs and pounding heart. Byeongkwan loved him he knew that, but that was the thing, love wasn’t going to give them back everything they lost when they became idols. 

Byeongkwan finally stilled and Sehyoon looked up at him, hoping that Byeongkwan wasn’t about to crush him to pieces. That was the thing about hope though, it was flimsy and unstable. And when Byeongkwan was in the throes of this much emotion, nothing could step out of the path of destruction he could cause. 

Sehyoon loved him so much, but he’d let him do this, let him destroy every part of him. As long as Byeongkwan could breathe, he didn’t care. 

“I…” Byeongkwan started but started to tear up, shaking and curling his hands into each other. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, trying to hold himself together. Everything that was inside of him was trying to find a way to leap its way out of his body. It felt like coming apart at the seams. 

He tried again, this time his resolve winning. “I’m not sure I can handle this, us, anymore. With everything we have to put up with, the hoops we have to jump through.” He said it with all the strength he had, which wasn’t much when he saw the light leave Sehyoon’s eyes. 

“I love you so much, Sehyoon, but our relationship can’t be healthy for either of us.” He looked almost disgusted with himself for saying that. Sehyoon knew though what he meant. Not that they weren’t good for each other, but that the situation was beyond fucked. There was no poetic way to put it, they had been screwed from the beginning. Sehyoon had just hoped they were strong enough to weather it. 

Even with Byeongkwan in front of him falling apart, breaking into pieces, he still knew they were. 

He would let Byeongkwan do this though, knew he needed it, knew he need to follow through with it so when he figured out how to handle it, it wouldn't happen again. 

Sehyoon sat and looked at Byeongkwan, never losing the love in his eyes. The light had left him, he felt so weak at the moment, but he wouldn’t let Byeongkwan be blind to the world of feelings he had. 

“Sehyoon, please say something. Yell at me, fight me on this. Please, do something.” Byeongkwan was desperate, but he also knew Sehyoon. “I need…” Byeongkwan collapsed to the floor, his knees finally giving out and the tears flowing completely. 

Sehyoon rushed to him, not being able to handle seeing him in this much pain. He hauled him up into his lap and cradled him in his arms, hating how much Byeongkwan had been crushed by this. He was so strong, holding them up, smiling through every hard moment. To Sehyoon he was the pillar of their relationship, now he was being broken to pieces. 

“No matter what, I love you and your health comes first.” Sehyoon cradled Byeongkwan’s head to his chest, his voice cracking. He knew what he had to do and it was the hardest thing he ever would do. 

“If you need to stop and take a break then that’s what will happen. I will let you go, because baby, you are more important than anything else.” Sehyoon wouldn’t lie to him and say he was fine with this, but he also was telling the truth when he said his health came first.

“I think you need some time to build yourself back up.” Sehyoon breathed, shakily, trying to steady his hands. “I will be here, I promised you that, no matter what.” He kissed Byeongkwan on the forehead. The younger boy was still crying, softly into his shirt, but finally looked up at him.

“I need you to know that this has nothing to do with you, you’re perfect, you have been everything I’ve dreamed of.” Byeongkwan said honestly, bringing a hand to Sehyoon’s cheek. “I’m just not sure how much of me would be left if I kept on like this. I’m so sorry.” Byeongkwan looked like he wanted nothing more than to take the words back, but they both knew this was what was needed. 

It would hurt though. Sehyoon wanted to protect Byeongkwan from that. He knew he couldn’t though. He let it course through him, let it settle its way into his bones.

Sehyoon still looked at Byeongkwan with all the love in the world. “I love you more than I ever thought I could, know that.” He said this with conviction, every part of him pushing for Byeongkwan to understand his truth. 

Byeongkwan caressed Sehyoon’s face and kissed him thoroughly, not being able to resist. He didn’t know when the next time would be, he licked into Sehyoon’s mouth, tasting the salt from both of their tears. 

They held each other tight, kissing in the dark of the bedroom, both afraid to let go.

Finally, Sehyoon pried Byeongkwan’s hands from him and gently maneuvered him to the bed. 

Byeongkwan was needing his hands into his thigh, keeping his hands from going back to Sehyoon. The pull of him so hard to resist. “I’ll… I’ll sleep in Yuchanie’s room for now.” Byeongkwan said between a hiccup. He went to their drawers and grabbed some clothes and then one of the pillows from their bed.

Sehyoon couldn’t help the small smile, Byeongkwan had grabbed his pillow and then proceeded to shove it in his face as he raced out the door. Sehyoon counted it as a small miracle, thinking about Byeongkwan pressing his face into the pillow before he slept, the smell of Sehyoon’s shampoo surrounding him. 

He knew that even though they had just essentially broken up, it would bring comfort to the both of them. 

Byeongkwan slept in Yuchan’s room for two days before he walked back into their shared bedroom and told Sehyoon that it was his turn. Yuchan was the best at giving comforting cuddles and right now Byeongkwan knew he needed them. 

They had broken up and it had been the worst thing Byeongkwan had ever done to himself and someone else. They were still always around each other had to act like nothing had happened during promotions, but inside the dorm and around the others they were shallow versions of themselves. 

They didn’t touch unless they had to, tried their best to keep their eyes and minds off of each other. They strayed toward the other members more, Donghun and Junhee gladly keeping an eye on them. 

Donghun had taken Sehyoon and Junhee settled in with Byeongkwan. Pulling them close and holding on tight to the seams that were threatening to snap. They hated every part of this, but it wasn’t their decision and they had to make sure their friends were still standing at the end of each day. 

It was a hell week, full of tears and Byeongkwan wondering what the fuck he had done. He hated every part of being away from Sehyoon. Especially because Sehyoon was still there for him, when he needed it the most. 

He was always there will a bottle of water after practice and making sure that he was eating. They still guided each other during dances and Sehyoon made sure that he took a break when they had been practicing for way too many hours. 

They stayed away from each other as best as they could, but they never tended to stray too far. It was like their gravity had melded and kept pulling them toward each other. 

Byeongkwan also hated sleeping alone, he had done it for four days now and it was the worst experience. He had gotten so used to Sehyoon next to him. 

He creeped into Yuchan’s room a week into their breakup. Sehyoon was still in their living room and would go back to their room when he found Byeongkwan had stolen the cuddle buddy he had given him four nights ago. 

Yuchan gladly scooped up Byeongkwan in his arms, his heat seeping through Byeongkwan’s skin, allowing him calm for a couple hours. 

He fell asleep, after staring at the wall for hours, but was woken up by a sound coming from the room over, his and Sehyoon’s room. 

He knew that Sehyoon wasn’t asleep, could hear him rustling around in bed, trying to get comfortable without someone to hold onto. He had turned Sehyoon into a tactile creature, he wouldn’t and couldn't feel bad about it. 

Byeongkwan tried to stay in bed with Yuchan, but he heard Sehyoon in the bedroom over, now having fallen asleep and Byeongkwan could hear the moans that he made when he was having a nightmare. 

He kicked off the sheets, hearing Yuchan whine and sit up. “What are you doing? It’s like two in the morning.” 

Byeongkwan pushed Yuchan back down into the pillows. “Go back to sleep, I’m fine. I just need to go walk around for a minute.” 

Yuchan looked at him like he didn’t believe a word he said. “I’m gonna go sleep with Donghunnie-hyung and Junhee-hyung.” He grabbed a pillow as he said it. Yuchan only wasn’t sleeping with them in the first place because of Sehyoon and Byeongkwan. 

Byeongkwan looked dejected. “Channie, I’m sorry. You should be with them especially since you have to go back to the UNB dorms soon.” 

Yuchan just smiled and shook his head at Byeongkwan. “I love being close with all of you, but hyung, I think it’s time you fixed this. I know it’s hard and you want to be able to show everyone who you love, but that’s just not the lot we got.” 

Yuchan yawned and started toward the door. “You’re strong enough to handle it, I think this week has shown you that nothing will make it easier. The only way to pull through is together.”

Yuchan might have been their maknae but the boy could dish out the wisdom like he was all their seniors. He winked at Byeongkwan as he left the room, Byeongkwan sitting on the bed feeling his strength course through him. He knew it was time, there was no reason to be cruel to either of them anymore.

He walked the short distance to their shared room and softly opened the door. Sehyoon was tossing around on the bed, whines leaving him. All Byeongkwan wanted to do was curl up next to him and comfort him. Instead he went to the side of the bed Sehyoon was facing and bent down. 

He brought up his hand to Sehyoon’s cheek, rubbing his thumb under his eyes, trying to release some of the tension in the boy’s face. Sehyoon slowly opened his eyes, somehow sensing the younger boy’s presence. 

At first he was a bit startled wondering what was wrong, why was Byeongkwan in here. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Even if they were broken up, Sehyoon couldn’t get the sweet pet name to not come out of his mouth. 

He felt the hand on his cheek start to shake and started to sit up, Byeongkwan looked to be on the verge of tears and Sehyoon was fully awake. “I can’t…” Byeongkwan felt like he couldn’t breathe, Sehyoon was so close and sleep warm. He looked beautiful, the shadows from the blinds playing off his skin. 

Sehyoon brought his hand up to grab Byeongkwan’s wrist, the one on his cheek. He brought it down to his lap, covering it with both of his hands. They intertwined their fingers, squeezing more than could be called gentle. 

“You can’t what? You can’t sleep.” Sehyoon asked gently, not straying from Byeongkwan’s eyes. Loosening one hand to bring up his thumb to wipe away a couple tears from the younger boy’s face. Sehyoon knew they both had trouble sleeping without each other now. 

Byeongkwan sucked in a shaky breath, this was it, the moment he hoped Sehyoon would push past what they both think Byeongkwan needed and catch him in his arms. “I can’t be without you… You’re the reason that I’m still standing after this year and I know that I’m yours.” 

This was the truth. They were each other’s strength, keeping the other from falling to pieces. When that was taken away it was like a crucial part of their structure was ripped out from inside them. 

“I can’t do this to us anymore. I’m so in love with you, we can get through this, can get through anything together.” Byeongkwan sighed once he got it all out, relieved to finally be on the other side of this horrible week. 

Sehyoon looked unsure. Byeongkwan hoped it wasn’t in him. “If you still need space, you need to tell me, it’s okay Kwan.” 

Byeongkwan shook his head roughly, pushing up to sit on the bed next to Sehyoon. “No, no, I don’t. I just had a moment.” He looked down at the bed, their intertwined hands. 

He felt Sehyoon shake and then heard a laugh bubble out of him. “A moment that lasted a week. You had to be that dramatic about it.” Byeongkwan tried not to smile, Sehyoon was already making him feel better. He knew that they were back on track. 

“Shut up. I realized how stupid this was when I couldn’t sleep and all I wanted was you.” Byeongkwan looked at Sehyoon, making sure he was hearing him. “All week, all I wanted was you. Even when you were there, it wasn’t enough.” 

Sehyoon rubbed his thumb against Byeongkwan’s knuckles. “I know the feeling well.” He didn’t say it to make Byeongkwan feel guilty, was just stating a fact. “Just know that even when we’re not together, which will never happen again, I’ll always be here.” 

Sehyoon had said this so many times, Byeongkwan knew it like his own heartbeat. He knew even if Byeongkwan pushed him away too far to get him back, Sehyoon would still be at his side. “Yeah, but it’s so much better having you.” Byeongkwan smiled, for the first time that week it was a genuine one. 

Sehyoon matched it. They stared at each other stupidly, in love, for a few minutes. 

Sehyoon finally moved and pulled back the covers and reached for Byeongkwan, silently asking him to get under the covers. Byeongkwan placed himself in front of Sehyoon, facing him so he can bury himself in his chest. He curled into him like Sehyoon is the sun and he’s a flower blooming into spring. 

They both sighed at the feeling of being in each other’s arms. “Our one year anniversary is in a little less than 6 months,” Byeongkwan said randomly, having been thinking about it, their 6 month anniversary flying by with them being ruined by too much pain. 

Byeongkwan looked at Sehyoon with hopeful eyes. “Let’s try to do something, anything, even if we’re too busy.” He hoped they would have some time to soak in each other

Sehyoon looked down at Byeongkwan, kissed him on the forehead and breathed a promise into his skin. “I promise we’ll do something, I promise you.”

____________________________________________________________________________

Byeongkwan is so lost in the memory that he doesn’t hear Sehyoon closing the front door and sidling up to him. The snow is falling harder now, not enough to make them go inside, but enough for them to shiver through their coats. 

Sehyoon doesn’t speak at first, mimicking Byeongkwan on the night they first kissed by gently sliding his hand into Byeongkwan’s pocket to intertwine their fingers. He eventually brings them up to his mouth and kisses his hand through the thick gloves he has one. 

Sehyoon knows that Byeongkwan is upset about them not being able to celebrate their first year anniversary, but he’s also not one to break a promise. Goddamn him he’s going to make this special. 

He maneuvers them so that he is back hugging Byeongkwan, letting the younger boy lean against him and bury himself into him. He knows Byeongkwan doesn’t like winter the way that he does. But he also knows Byeongkwan likes beautiful things, the snow falling right now is stunning. 

He feels Byeongkwan shiver when he presses his warm lips to his neck, inhaling his shampoo and kissing his way up to his temple. “Kwan, I know it’s fascinating out here, but can you come to the backyard with me?” he teases and Byeongkwan turns his head a bit to look at him. 

“Why? It’s basically the same view,” Byeongkwan huffed, not up for moving from Sehyoon’s arms. 

Sehyoon nuzzles into his neck and whispers, “We can watch the snow back there, like we did the first time we kissed.” Byeongkwan sucks in a breath, looking down as Sehyoon pulls pack the sleeve of his shirt. He points to his watch. “It’s eleven-thirty,” he says smiling into Byeongkwan’s hair. “We still have a little bit of time to remind ourselves what is so special about today.” 

Byeongkwan nuzzles back into Sehyoon and then leans his head back for a kiss. Sehyoon kisses him lightly and then spins them around towards the back. 

They walk through the dorm, waddling with each other, not wanting to let go. The others laugh and ignore them. Byeongkwan notices they all are wrapped up in their coats and there is snow dusting them. He wonders about it briefly before they reach the doors to the backyard. 

When Sehyoon pushes open the backdoor, Byeongkwan is looking at him and doesn’t see the reason that he wanted them to come back here. Sehyoon nudges Byeongkwan’s eyes forward with his cheek to his and Byeongkwan gasps when his eyes land on the backyard. 

There are flowers everywhere, scattered petals of red. At first Byeongkwan mistakes them for roses but then he hears Sehyoon whisper in his ear “splendid beauty.” He knows they are Amaryllis flowers. He doesn’t have a reason for knowing this other than the cheesy fact that they looked up flower types and meanings for each other multiple times. 

Byeongkwan scans the backyard after realizing there were more than flowers. Candles and fairy lights are placed gorgeously around the yard too, hanging from trees and the patio and the wood table that they love to have family meals at during the spring. 

Everything is sparkling, with the snow on the ground, Byeongkwan is reminded how he thought he felt like he was in a snowglobe the first time they kissed. 

He’s left in that feeling. Secure in a bubble of soft snow and sweet flowers filling his senses. 

He feels tears well up, he’s been crying so much lately. He’s speechless and all he can do is stare out at the yard and squeeze Sehyoon’s arms that are around his waist. 

He sees even more flowers set out on the table. Flowers with meanings like love and patience and devotion. He sees a steaming mug of hot chocolate also, marshmallows piled in a bowl next to it. 

Byeongkwan turns around to catch Sehyoon’s eyes, his arms coming up to rest on the older man’s shoulders. Byeongkwan still has no words and Sehyoon is blushing, the whole thing is so fucking beautiful it feels unreal. 

“So… is this the something that you hoped for, or…?” Sehyoon stumbled over his words, hoping that Byeongkwan liked everything.

“It’s stunning, Yoon! When did you… how… “ Byeongkwan still couldn’t form a coherent thought. Sehyoon took that as a job well done. 

“When you went outside to stand in the cold for an hour I had the others come help me set it up.” He smiled down at Byeongkwan. “And yes, it’s stunning.” Both of them knew he didn’t mean the backyard. 

“When did you plan this? We haven’t had a moment of.f” Byeongkwan was scanning his brain to think of when he could have planned this. 

“I knew I wanted to do something but I wasn’t sure of what until about a month ago.” Sehyoon kept hold of Byeongkwan as the younger boy kept scanning the yard. “I then asked our managers to help me order everything and have it ready when we got back. I couldn’t change the flight, but I could do this for you.” 

Byeongkwan leaned up to kiss Sehyoon on the cheek and let him go to walk around the yard. Sehyoon watches with so much love in his eyes as he makes it to the middle of the yard with all the petals and snow and spins around, looking like Sehyoon’s own personal angel. He’s so fucking beautiful and Sehyoon can’t take his eyes off of him. Byeongkwan lets out a laugh that the older boy is sure would cure any illness. He’s so gone on this boy and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. 

Byeongkwan eventually makes his way back over to Sehyoon and grabs his hand, pulling him out from the cover of the porch and leads him to the middle of the yard. Sehyoon breathes in the air, the stars seeming to wink at him. It’s a magical night, every night with this boy feels magical though. 

Sehyoon is so lost in Byeongkwan that he forgets to go to the radio he has plugged into his phone. He had a whole thing planned. 

He jumps away from Byeongkwan, who protests, so he can keep up with the plan he had. Byeongkwan is giggling at how adorable Sehyoon can be, making sure everything was perfect. To Byeongkwan it already was, anything else would just add to how in love he was. 

When Sehyoon presses the play button on his phone, Byeongkwan knows the song before it’s even played five seconds worth of music. It’s the song the boys had on when they had their first kiss. Byeongkwan almost loses his footing in the snow as Sehyoon walks towards him. Even after dating him for a year, he still gets weak in the knees when Sehyoon looks at him like that. 

Like he’s the only person in the world Sehyoon could even think about loving. 

When Sehyoon reaches him, he gently pulls him towards him with a hand on his waist and the other gripping his hand. The song plays softly as Sehyoon presses their foreheads together and starts a slow dance. They are pressed close together and Byeongkwan once again forgets about the bad parts of winter. He lays his head down on his shoulder and breathes out, letting go of all the bad moments. 

Sehyoon leans down to kiss him on his temple, placing his head down on Byeongkwan’s, holding him as close as possible. They sway to the music until the song changes and keep dancing, not wanting to let each other go. 

The second song talks about a home, a domestic one for a simple quiet life, a good life and dying with your heart completely full. Everything having changed but having each other, only ever needing the person you loved. 

Byeongkwan thinks it’s perfect. They might never have a normal life and a normal relationship, but nothing was going to break them. Not even themselves. 

Halfway through the third song Byeongkwan looks up at Sehyoon, who only opens his eyes because of him moving his head from its spot on his shoulder. 

Sehyoon smiles down at him, thankful that everything they had been through didn’t tear them apart. He had so many moments of worry, a week of more pain than he’s ever felt, and months making sure that they repaired every bit of their relationship. 

They had worked so fucking hard to get where they were, to make sure Byeongkwan was comfortable in every aspect of what they were. It was still hard and they both had their bad days, but they would never put each other through a break up again. It wasn’t worth it, the time spent apart just seemed like a waste. 

Sehyoon cups Byeongkwan’s cheeks in his hands and they both lean in at the same time to share a kiss. It’s very similar to their first kiss, soft and light, feeling every piece of the love they have for each other. Just like their first kiss, it gets heavier the more they lean into each other. 

Byeongkwan feels like the heat they’re putting off could melt the snow, and he remembers how long it’s been since they’ve had proper alone time and hopes that the others will forgive him for whatever goes on in their room tonight. 

Byeongkwan wraps his arms completely around Sehyoon, the older boy bringing his hands down to grab at Byeongkwan’s thighs and hoist his legs up around his waist. Byeongkwan doesn’t want to do it in the snow, outside in the cold, but he’s also not going to resist Sehyoon’s lips and hold on him. 

Sehyoon walks them over to the picnic table and sits down with Byeongkwan in his lap. They continue kissing, licking into each other’s mouths, gaining heat from the friction their hands are creating. 

Sehyoons shivers and jumps when Byeongkwan’s hands make their way down between his shoulder blades under his shirt. “What, too cold for you, Mr. Loves Winter?” Byeongkwan giggles into Sehyoon’s mouth. 

“No, I just need to warm you up more I guess.” Sehyoon smirks at Byeongkwan, kissing him with all the love he feels. He grabs his hands from around his neck and rubs them between his own, Byeongkwan having took off his gloves halfway through dancing with Sehyoon. He had wanted to feel his skin, their pulses hitting each other’s wrists. 

Byeongkwan smiled fondly at Sehyoon as he rubbed their hands together and blew his hot breath on them in between their bodies. Sehyoon looked up at him with the sweetest smile on his face, Byeongkwan couldn’t believe how lucky he was. 

Sehyoon was always saying how beautiful he was, how lucky he was to be with the younger man, but Byeongkwan was the lucky one. He gets to spend his life with this man, this soft and stunning, talented man. He never wanted to leave his arms. 

Sehyoon brought up Byeongkwan’s hands to kiss his fingertips, this being something he did quite often, seeing as Byeongkwan had terrible circulation. He peeked at Byeongkwan over his lashes and then sit up fully, however much he could with Byeongkwan in his lap. He took one hand and wrapped it around the back of Byeongkwan’s neck, the other still gripping his hand. 

Byeongkwan freed one of his hands to place it on Sehyoon’s chest right above his heart, it was beating so steady Byeongkwan thought he could get lost. He breathed in with every beat. 

Sehyoon closed his eyes and placed his forehead against Byeongkwan’s and spoke so soft against the wind. “I love you, I’m so in love with you.” He repeated the words he said to Byeongkwan after their first kiss, he could hear the crack in Sehyoon’s voice. 

He could feel the emotion that Sehyoon held in his form, could sense every part of that love course through him. He placed his hands on Sehyoon's cheeks to lift up his head, Sehyoon opened his eyes to Byeongkwan. “You mean everything to me, I love you too, so much.” He repeated his own words. His voice steady as a rock. 

They kiss again, slow and soft, they could go on forever. They stop when they hear loud laughter inside the house and look through the window to see the other three popping bottles of wine. 

They know they’ll all be going home to their families soon and will miss this family so much. They all wish they could find a way to all be together, but it’s too risky, people questioning why. They could easily use the “brothers” excuse but there is too much of a lie that they can’t seem to wrap their heads around. 

Sehyoon looks back at Byeongkwan and brushes back the hair in his face “Happy anniversary, Kim Byeongkwan.” 

Said boy smiles at him, the sweetest thing Sehyoon has ever seen. “Happy anniversary, King Wow,” Byeongkwan teases as he wraps his arms around the older boy, still comfortable in his lap. 

Finally, they get up, hand in hand, and they walk inside the dorm. They shake off all the snow and but don’t take off any of their coats. They don’t want to waste the beautiful backyard scenery. 

“Hey, so did our Yoonie do a good job?” Junhee teases as he walks over to them with a bottle of wine in his hand. 

Byeongkwan just smiles and leans into Sehyoon. “Better than good, it was perfect.” 

Donghun smiles at them and grabs Yuchan’s hand as they all walk out to the backyard. Sehyoon keeps his music playing as it cycles through slow and fast songs. They all dance, trading partners and relaxing into each other. The wine creating a buzz that fizzles with the snow falling around them. 

It’s cold and ice pinpricks at their skin, but the warmth they generate from the love they have for each other is enough to keep them warm through any storm. They all hold onto each other and don’t stop their hands from catching on skin and each other. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon only let go of each other to give the others an opportunity a their warmth. 

But they fall back into each other again and again. They are like the seasons, always circling back.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments. I love hearing from everybody!


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